Tomorrow is my birthday. It will be a long day beginning with a pdoc visit at 9:30am and then therapy at 12noon. We're going out to eat out with some good friends. Chinese, my favorite.
December birthday's stink. I'm always set aside because of Christmas and the busy store. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for our business - but also insanely jealous. When can I come before it?
For Albert's 30, 40, and 50 birthdays I had lavish parties. I didn't on his 60th. It just didn't seem fair and it was a lot of trouble. I suppose it was a subtle pay-back time. I don't think he even cared.
He has never had a party for me. He will send flowers and give me another lovely piece of jewelry. But no party.
Maybe I'm being a baby about all of this. Maybe because the last birthday party I ever had was when I was a small child. I don't remember it so maybe it doesn't even count.
Damn, I hate December birthdays.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
No more lithium
It didn't last long. I was so physically sick that Dr.Prough took me off of it.
Current meds: 200mg Trazadone at bedtime. Trazadone is specifically for severe depression.
.5 Xanax three times a day. I think the dose is too small.
Next appointment to see Dr.Prough, November 18. Thank God.
-20-
Current meds: 200mg Trazadone at bedtime. Trazadone is specifically for severe depression.
.5 Xanax three times a day. I think the dose is too small.
Next appointment to see Dr.Prough, November 18. Thank God.
-20-
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Lithium
DrP took me off all my antidepressants and put me on Lithium. It's nice to not have to take a bunch of meds throughout the day, but I'm not sure about the future of me and Lithium. Right now I take 300mg at lunch and 300mg at bedtime.
I hurt. I don't mean a superficial hurt, I'm talking about pain that is so great that even my toes hurt. No kisses to heal this. I already ache all the time with fibro pain and this is not just more than that. I'm talking about joint pain. It's a small window to the pain of arthritis. sigh
I am also tired. I simply hit a wall around 2pm. I can't stay awake even if I try.
I'm supposed to keep hydrated so I'm back on mega glasses of Crystal Light. It's ok but what goes in must go out and I'm constantly in the bathroom.
Good thing (DrB always tell me to find the good) so the price of Lithium is $1.50 per month. Crazy!
Hopefully all this pain will subside in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I am pretty miserable.
I hurt. I don't mean a superficial hurt, I'm talking about pain that is so great that even my toes hurt. No kisses to heal this. I already ache all the time with fibro pain and this is not just more than that. I'm talking about joint pain. It's a small window to the pain of arthritis. sigh
I am also tired. I simply hit a wall around 2pm. I can't stay awake even if I try.
I'm supposed to keep hydrated so I'm back on mega glasses of Crystal Light. It's ok but what goes in must go out and I'm constantly in the bathroom.
Good thing (DrB always tell me to find the good) so the price of Lithium is $1.50 per month. Crazy!
Hopefully all this pain will subside in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I am pretty miserable.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
I am dying inside
I hate it!
It eats away at my inner self.
It convinces me that I am worthless. I think, therefore I am. Good for nothing. Run and do this. Run and do that. Never mind that I might want to do something for myself. Run, clean, tidy-up, keep up the impression that I am fine. Get out, go to the store, take no time for myself. do, do, do
I am dying inside
It's just a matter of time before I stop completely, unable to go or do or give anymore.
I am dying inside and no one is noticing
It eats away at my inner self.
It convinces me that I am worthless. I think, therefore I am. Good for nothing. Run and do this. Run and do that. Never mind that I might want to do something for myself. Run, clean, tidy-up, keep up the impression that I am fine. Get out, go to the store, take no time for myself. do, do, do
I am dying inside
It's just a matter of time before I stop completely, unable to go or do or give anymore.
I am dying inside and no one is noticing
Saturday, September 13, 2014
It Won't Go Away
Suicide. I want to do it and this time it will work. I'm afraid that if I am not successful, Albert will have a cow. His punishment of silent disgust will break me. And when that happens, I will be even more determined to make an attempt work.
I don't want to go inpatient. I hated all the changes and 'coldness' of the staff. In my opinion, it's not a very good atmosphere in which promotes healing.
I hate myself, my fatness, and my laziness. I should be exercising but I don't want to. If I do then Albert becomes my cheerleader. I hate it when he does that.
I don't want to go inpatient. I hated all the changes and 'coldness' of the staff. In my opinion, it's not a very good atmosphere in which promotes healing.
I hate myself, my fatness, and my laziness. I should be exercising but I don't want to. If I do then Albert becomes my cheerleader. I hate it when he does that.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
What I really want...
I really want to die. I have a problem that will never get resolved. It's a shame that I feel this way.
If I talk to Albert, he will try to soothe me. That won't get rid of the suicidal thoughts, no matter how much he tries to talk me out of it.
If I talk to DrB he will probably know what is going on. And he'll most likely send me to Two Rivers again.
I can't talk about this with anyone. It's my secret and I'll go to my grave with it.
There once was a girl named Mary
She had a horrible secret to carry
I also need to keep this blog site under cover or Albert will use it against me.
sad
If I talk to Albert, he will try to soothe me. That won't get rid of the suicidal thoughts, no matter how much he tries to talk me out of it.
If I talk to DrB he will probably know what is going on. And he'll most likely send me to Two Rivers again.
I can't talk about this with anyone. It's my secret and I'll go to my grave with it.
There once was a girl named Mary
She had a horrible secret to carry
I also need to keep this blog site under cover or Albert will use it against me.
sad
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Catching up
Wow ... I forgot about this blog spot and I have needed to write.
DrB had to cancel today's session. His wife had surgery and he needed to be home this week. I hope he calls me soon and puts me on his schedule. It really upset me when he called and said 'cancel' instead of 'reschedule'. I feel abandoned.
I am very suicidal. I'm not sure why. It's very uncomfortable to feel this way. I'm afraid to talk with Albert 'cause he'll freak out. I hesitate to tell DrB because he could decide to send me to Two Rivers. I hated it when I had to go inpatient the last time. I can't remember if it was in 2012 or 2013. I don't want to go inpatient but I can't stand feeling this way, either.
I would like to take about 4 trazadone to get some good sleep. I wouldn't die but I could be very upsetting to Albert.
DrB had to cancel today's session. His wife had surgery and he needed to be home this week. I hope he calls me soon and puts me on his schedule. It really upset me when he called and said 'cancel' instead of 'reschedule'. I feel abandoned.
I am very suicidal. I'm not sure why. It's very uncomfortable to feel this way. I'm afraid to talk with Albert 'cause he'll freak out. I hesitate to tell DrB because he could decide to send me to Two Rivers. I hated it when I had to go inpatient the last time. I can't remember if it was in 2012 or 2013. I don't want to go inpatient but I can't stand feeling this way, either.
I would like to take about 4 trazadone to get some good sleep. I wouldn't die but I could be very upsetting to Albert.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Why Don't They Listen
I wish for once I could get my rheumatologist to listen to me. I see her three times a year. My last appointment was two months ago and it goes like this (every visit):
Me: D, I need to have my thyroid tested. I take Levothyroxine, 25mg. It needs to be increased. I'm tired all the time. I have trouble staying awake all day. Everything is an effort.
D: No, Mary, your current thyroid med is all you need. You have fibro, it makes you tired. You have fibro, we are treating your hypothyroid, and your med doesn't need to be increased. Let me find your last blood work up - there it is - your thyroid is just fine.
Me: D, I hate feeling this way. Sluggish all the time.
D: It's the fibro, Mary. She plays with my hands and then asks me if my hands hurt in the morning.
Me: Yes, normally my joints in my entire hands are swollen. The joints are red all the time.
D: You have developed arthritis in your hands. (no mention of treatment)
Me: Thank you, that's what I thought. Are you sure my thyroid med is adequate?
D: Yes, Mary. You are doing fine. I want to see you again in 14 weeks.
Me: Okay.
Jump ahead to the second week in February. I'm in the nursing home for a week to help me recover from major back surgery. My family doctor stops by on Wednesday. She ordered blood work two days ago and has the results. She doesn't visit much since I am nicely sedated with pain meds. However, when the nurse gave me the morning meds the next day, she says my doctor doubled my thyroid med. I was so happy and would have jumped up and down but pain meds keep me subdued. I see her in a few weeks and I will be so happy to tell her how much better I feel. Now I am wondering about finding a new rheumatoid doctor. All I ask is that they listen to me. Why is that so hard for them?
Me: D, I need to have my thyroid tested. I take Levothyroxine, 25mg. It needs to be increased. I'm tired all the time. I have trouble staying awake all day. Everything is an effort.
D: No, Mary, your current thyroid med is all you need. You have fibro, it makes you tired. You have fibro, we are treating your hypothyroid, and your med doesn't need to be increased. Let me find your last blood work up - there it is - your thyroid is just fine.
Me: D, I hate feeling this way. Sluggish all the time.
D: It's the fibro, Mary. She plays with my hands and then asks me if my hands hurt in the morning.
Me: Yes, normally my joints in my entire hands are swollen. The joints are red all the time.
D: You have developed arthritis in your hands. (no mention of treatment)
Me: Thank you, that's what I thought. Are you sure my thyroid med is adequate?
D: Yes, Mary. You are doing fine. I want to see you again in 14 weeks.
Me: Okay.
Jump ahead to the second week in February. I'm in the nursing home for a week to help me recover from major back surgery. My family doctor stops by on Wednesday. She ordered blood work two days ago and has the results. She doesn't visit much since I am nicely sedated with pain meds. However, when the nurse gave me the morning meds the next day, she says my doctor doubled my thyroid med. I was so happy and would have jumped up and down but pain meds keep me subdued. I see her in a few weeks and I will be so happy to tell her how much better I feel. Now I am wondering about finding a new rheumatoid doctor. All I ask is that they listen to me. Why is that so hard for them?
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Memories, Messages, Minutes
Memories returned very slowly over a ten year span. I was not patient but Dr.B was patient. There were several attempts at suicide, but mostly a lot of self harm. I didn't use a knife, I used the end of a paper clip and ran it over and over the same place until there was blood. The physical pain increased as I scraped. I liked the pain. Sometimes there were long scrapes, sometimes there were clusters.
One weekend the newest therapist was given the phone to take emergency calls. Stupid kid never would answer. Turned out he had never had a cell phone and had no idea how to answer the thing. He also did know there was a charger but he left it in his office because he didn't know how it worked. When no one answered my three calls, I first left a nice message. The second message was not so nice. The third and last message included yelling and name calling and foul language. I finally yelled into the phone and told this person he should rot in hell. Then I self harmed a large square on my wrist. DrB was his supervisor and boy did that young man get into some trouble. Stupid on his part because he didn't ask for help.
I learned a lot over ten and a half years. I have learned that sometimes I have to take life one minute at a time. I do that a lot. I still have the depression and the anxiety and the borderline issues that can ruin a good day in a heart beat. That's when I slow down, breathe, and slice the situation into pieces that I can handle. I had to do that on Tuesday. It worked and by mid-morning I was over it.
My life will always be this way. It's not fair and it's all because I was loved by my father and hated by my mother. ugh........not going there right now.
One weekend the newest therapist was given the phone to take emergency calls. Stupid kid never would answer. Turned out he had never had a cell phone and had no idea how to answer the thing. He also did know there was a charger but he left it in his office because he didn't know how it worked. When no one answered my three calls, I first left a nice message. The second message was not so nice. The third and last message included yelling and name calling and foul language. I finally yelled into the phone and told this person he should rot in hell. Then I self harmed a large square on my wrist. DrB was his supervisor and boy did that young man get into some trouble. Stupid on his part because he didn't ask for help.
I learned a lot over ten and a half years. I have learned that sometimes I have to take life one minute at a time. I do that a lot. I still have the depression and the anxiety and the borderline issues that can ruin a good day in a heart beat. That's when I slow down, breathe, and slice the situation into pieces that I can handle. I had to do that on Tuesday. It worked and by mid-morning I was over it.
My life will always be this way. It's not fair and it's all because I was loved by my father and hated by my mother. ugh........not going there right now.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
ObamaCare stinks
DrB told me yesterday that the new ObamaCare insurance rules will put a financial burden on his company's nonprofit status and they will probably close their doors later this year.
I think I am still in shock over this announcement. I can't think beyond my own needs right now.
And we said goodbye and agreed that I will call if I need him. He said if there is no contact in the next six months, he will send my file to storage. He and Albert were so happy for me. I was dying inside and they were shaking hands.
I can't think very well right now. I want to have a screaming, crying fit but I can't pull up those emotions. I am abandoned. I am silent and dying inside. Yes, dying inside. Inside I am crumpled like a wad of paper with flames all around.
I have been abandoned.
I have no tears. I am a shell of a person and I have no feelings except that I thoroughly despise Obama and his LOUSY attempt to provide insurance for everyone.
I am a body that is empty and hurting and I'm afraid to face the fact that DrB is not treating me fairly. I should get to see him at least every two months and then transition to quarterly and then a check in if I decide I need it. No, he just booted me to the car. I died in the parking lot.
Wonderful Mary, all healed and ready to face the world on her own. That is not a true statement at all. Mary is now a shell, a covering holding her physical body and yet is dead.
and no one will tell DrB because he is so happy for me
I am dead
I am dead
I am dead
So, finally I called DrB and he returned my call. I made an appointment for April 21.
I feel much, much better after talking with him.
Slowly feeling good again. The depression is slowly disappearing.
..............sigh...............
I think I am still in shock over this announcement. I can't think beyond my own needs right now.
And we said goodbye and agreed that I will call if I need him. He said if there is no contact in the next six months, he will send my file to storage. He and Albert were so happy for me. I was dying inside and they were shaking hands.
I can't think very well right now. I want to have a screaming, crying fit but I can't pull up those emotions. I am abandoned. I am silent and dying inside. Yes, dying inside. Inside I am crumpled like a wad of paper with flames all around.
I have been abandoned.
I have no tears. I am a shell of a person and I have no feelings except that I thoroughly despise Obama and his LOUSY attempt to provide insurance for everyone.
I am a body that is empty and hurting and I'm afraid to face the fact that DrB is not treating me fairly. I should get to see him at least every two months and then transition to quarterly and then a check in if I decide I need it. No, he just booted me to the car. I died in the parking lot.
Wonderful Mary, all healed and ready to face the world on her own. That is not a true statement at all. Mary is now a shell, a covering holding her physical body and yet is dead.
and no one will tell DrB because he is so happy for me
I am dead
I am dead
I am dead
So, finally I called DrB and he returned my call. I made an appointment for April 21.
I feel much, much better after talking with him.
Slowly feeling good again. The depression is slowly disappearing.
..............sigh...............
Friday, March 28, 2014
Birthday Blues
Yesterday was my mother's 92 years birthday. Helena and I had balloons delivered. I have a card and I am going to send it by mail.
It was a gloomy, rainy, and cool day.
I'm doing well. Just can't make myself visit. I'll see her in the casket and a hundred people will tell me how wonderful she was. How in the world am I going to respond to those comments? I'll have to fake it and agree. ick
Who knows when that will happen? Probably not for a long time. So right now I am telling myself to send that future "problem" to the steel box. It slipped in and I shut the mail slot. It won't come out until I need to talk about it with Dr.Brady. I hope he is still in practice then.
It was a gloomy, rainy, and cool day.
I'm doing well. Just can't make myself visit. I'll see her in the casket and a hundred people will tell me how wonderful she was. How in the world am I going to respond to those comments? I'll have to fake it and agree. ick
Who knows when that will happen? Probably not for a long time. So right now I am telling myself to send that future "problem" to the steel box. It slipped in and I shut the mail slot. It won't come out until I need to talk about it with Dr.Brady. I hope he is still in practice then.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Anger
This evening I am angry. I ran into a lady who's sons I played with in the summers age 10 to 13. They were nice boys and tolerated my sister and brother. We did a lot of bike riding.
I introduced myself and she mentioned my mother and said," she was an amazing and strong nurse. I always liked her.
Damn it, she was not that way at all. At home she had a live-in maid, me. She wasn't kind or happy or sweet. She was the devil in disguise. She was evil and mean and yelled a lot and hit even more.
She made sure we dressed nicely to keep up HER image. I could vomit!
I believe her visitation will be long and sickly. oh how I dread that day!!!
I introduced myself and she mentioned my mother and said," she was an amazing and strong nurse. I always liked her.
Damn it, she was not that way at all. At home she had a live-in maid, me. She wasn't kind or happy or sweet. She was the devil in disguise. She was evil and mean and yelled a lot and hit even more.
She made sure we dressed nicely to keep up HER image. I could vomit!
I believe her visitation will be long and sickly. oh how I dread that day!!!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
just thinking
I am having a fibro flare today. I hurt all over. Aching and painful hands (I now have arthritis). Aches everywhere!
I told Albert I would walk this afternoon but I'm not sure I can. It is supposed to be near 70 which would be nice.
I am so tired. I know this is extremely short, but I'm stopping for today. poooooooo
I told Albert I would walk this afternoon but I'm not sure I can. It is supposed to be near 70 which would be nice.
I am so tired. I know this is extremely short, but I'm stopping for today. poooooooo
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Back Surgery
After several schedule changes, I had back surgery on Feb 4. The first week I barely remember as I was kept comfortable with some great pain meds. I had physical therapy twice a day and walked a little bit. Every day I got stronger and did physical therapy faithfully.
I spent 10 days in the hospital and then was transported to Pioneer Skilled Nursing Center. The nursing and entire staff were so nice. I had physical therapy every day, 2 or 3 times a day. I did my best to walk, walk, and walk. I spent ten days there.
When I got home, Albert had put a small bed in the living room. I was still restricted to only standing or laying down. I could sit 15minutes, 4 times a day.
I'm now 6 weeks after surgery. I have no more back pain. In fact, I took my last pain pill more than a week ago. Would I do it again? Absolutely.
I still have a ton of restrictions: no bending, twisting, pushing, pulling. I have a 5lb lifting limit (a half gallon of liquid is 5lbs) and I still get tired but I know the tiredness is due to the Fibromyalgia. I can now sit as much as I want but Dr.Parker said don't over-do it.
Albert has been wonderful through this. He sat with me all day when the hospital gave me valium for pain. I had hallucinations and could not be left alone. Albert said it was really hilarious and he wished he had taped some of it. Knowing what I said, I'm glad he didn't! At home he helps me dry off after a shower, he helps me put on underwear and pants and socks. I'm mostly dependent on him since I still have all of the restrictions.
I'm doing strengthening exercises several times a day and I'm walking a mile at the community building every morning. I'm in a brace and will probably wear it for several months. The nerves of my right leg are coming back to life. That is painful but I am on Gabapentin for the nerve endings.
I feel good, I'm on a good combination of antidepressants, and I enjoy my life. To think that I waited 4 years to have surgery is something I now regret.
I spent 10 days in the hospital and then was transported to Pioneer Skilled Nursing Center. The nursing and entire staff were so nice. I had physical therapy every day, 2 or 3 times a day. I did my best to walk, walk, and walk. I spent ten days there.
When I got home, Albert had put a small bed in the living room. I was still restricted to only standing or laying down. I could sit 15minutes, 4 times a day.
I'm now 6 weeks after surgery. I have no more back pain. In fact, I took my last pain pill more than a week ago. Would I do it again? Absolutely.
I still have a ton of restrictions: no bending, twisting, pushing, pulling. I have a 5lb lifting limit (a half gallon of liquid is 5lbs) and I still get tired but I know the tiredness is due to the Fibromyalgia. I can now sit as much as I want but Dr.Parker said don't over-do it.
Albert has been wonderful through this. He sat with me all day when the hospital gave me valium for pain. I had hallucinations and could not be left alone. Albert said it was really hilarious and he wished he had taped some of it. Knowing what I said, I'm glad he didn't! At home he helps me dry off after a shower, he helps me put on underwear and pants and socks. I'm mostly dependent on him since I still have all of the restrictions.
I'm doing strengthening exercises several times a day and I'm walking a mile at the community building every morning. I'm in a brace and will probably wear it for several months. The nerves of my right leg are coming back to life. That is painful but I am on Gabapentin for the nerve endings.
I feel good, I'm on a good combination of antidepressants, and I enjoy my life. To think that I waited 4 years to have surgery is something I now regret.
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