My goodness this year has just flown by. Albert and I are another year older and feeling the aches and pains of moving in the morning after we leave the bed. I am grateful for meds that help me feel better.
I have major back surgery on January 14. The closer I get to the date, the more apprehensive I am. Dr.Brady said he can help me with that. I see him January 7. I have nightmares of things going wrong and me spending the rest of my life in a wheel chair. yikes!
Helena and I talk every day. I love her to pieces but sometimes she drives me crazy when she begins to ramble. She will be 58 on her birthday at the end of January. We are growing old and are best friends. I am grateful for Helena and her wisdom.
I love the new online WebMD private community. No more nasty posts about me and Misty. I tried my best to get the 'nut' to shut up but she continues to bring up all the turmoil she caused. Good grief! Some people are simply dumb.
Emotionally I am feeling very good. My visit with Dr.Brady on January 7 will be the last one for quite a while. I like Dr.Brady a lot and I'll miss our weekly appointments.
I am hoping for a wonderful and happy 2014 for me and all my friends and family.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Catching up Dec 15, 2013
When I have down days, I usually come to the internet and WebMD. Lately it's all seemed too much to do.
Caprice/Mona is back! I was so glad to hear from her I cried. Albert held me and said it was wonderful that she has returned. She's not working for WebMD and is just another person in our community. She is wise, stays calm, and likes everyone. She was also abused and she could relate to a lot of posts.
My weight loss is very slow. I'm not hungry most of the time but I can't keep taking all my meds on an empty stomach. Helena and I counted the other day and I take 43 pills a day. Criminy, I should be healthy as a horse but I'm not. I don't understand most of this. And my new DrP (psychiatrist) told me that two of my psych meds were hindering my efforts but he would not take them away. I figured as much.
I was trying to see DrB every other Tuesday but he said no, every week until I have surgery. sigh On the other hand, we'll keep in touch weekly until I am able to sit down. Speaking of that, I will only be able to stand or lay down for 3 months. I will be allowed to go to the bathroom sitting down. I'm very thankful!
Our whole town has had lots of internet crashes over the last week. Starting Saturday evening we had no internet at home and I just figured it was down again. Finally this evening I called AT&T and discovered my wireless modem had failed. So I am sitting at the dining room table with all kinds of wires feeding my laptop. They will be here Wednesday morning at 9am to set us up with Uverse. Not only that but they are reducing our home service for the next twelve months to $44 plus taxes and fees. We've been paying $98 for a long, long time. That was nice news.
Our first snow is beautiful. Temps are rising and I will be more apt to leave the house. I need to get working on the final books for the store for 2013. And I will need to set up 2014 so our Sales Manager will be able to enter the information and try to keep me up to date. I know she can do it and I'm looking forward to the time she says "I have done everything".
I read a story on the internet about a mother who wanted everything to be perfect. She took out all of her frustration on her older daughter. Eventually the mother realized that life didn't have to perfect. She began handing out praises to her daughter and the other two children. I sent the story to my younger son who got blamed for everything in my effort to make him the model child. He hasn't responded and may never refer to the story. But I am glad I sent it to him along with another apology for his lousy childhood.
That's all for now.
Caprice/Mona is back! I was so glad to hear from her I cried. Albert held me and said it was wonderful that she has returned. She's not working for WebMD and is just another person in our community. She is wise, stays calm, and likes everyone. She was also abused and she could relate to a lot of posts.
My weight loss is very slow. I'm not hungry most of the time but I can't keep taking all my meds on an empty stomach. Helena and I counted the other day and I take 43 pills a day. Criminy, I should be healthy as a horse but I'm not. I don't understand most of this. And my new DrP (psychiatrist) told me that two of my psych meds were hindering my efforts but he would not take them away. I figured as much.
I was trying to see DrB every other Tuesday but he said no, every week until I have surgery. sigh On the other hand, we'll keep in touch weekly until I am able to sit down. Speaking of that, I will only be able to stand or lay down for 3 months. I will be allowed to go to the bathroom sitting down. I'm very thankful!
Our whole town has had lots of internet crashes over the last week. Starting Saturday evening we had no internet at home and I just figured it was down again. Finally this evening I called AT&T and discovered my wireless modem had failed. So I am sitting at the dining room table with all kinds of wires feeding my laptop. They will be here Wednesday morning at 9am to set us up with Uverse. Not only that but they are reducing our home service for the next twelve months to $44 plus taxes and fees. We've been paying $98 for a long, long time. That was nice news.
Our first snow is beautiful. Temps are rising and I will be more apt to leave the house. I need to get working on the final books for the store for 2013. And I will need to set up 2014 so our Sales Manager will be able to enter the information and try to keep me up to date. I know she can do it and I'm looking forward to the time she says "I have done everything".
I read a story on the internet about a mother who wanted everything to be perfect. She took out all of her frustration on her older daughter. Eventually the mother realized that life didn't have to perfect. She began handing out praises to her daughter and the other two children. I sent the story to my younger son who got blamed for everything in my effort to make him the model child. He hasn't responded and may never refer to the story. But I am glad I sent it to him along with another apology for his lousy childhood.
That's all for now.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Thanksgiving, carpet, pain ... a smorgasboard of topics
We had a nice Thanksgiving at our older son's home in North West Missouri. My granddaughter Kate is nearly 13 and emotional about everything. My heart felt so heavy when she would tear up. Before we left, we were getting ready to play Phase 10. Her mother went to get her and she said no, she didn't want to play. Then I went to the living room and talked to her softly about how what she was experiencing was normal. Then I talked her into coming to play cards with me as a partner. We won!! She was ok until we were saying goodbye. I love her so much.
We are getting our carpets cleaned on Tuesday. Albert will be here to help move furniture. Later today we are going to clean. Webs in corners, furniture, and baseboards. The bathroom will be the worse to clean. I've really let cleaning go. Then on Wednesday I'll put up our tree.
Last night I had a nightmare four times! I dreamt that I woke up during surgery and could not tell anyone. I woke up each time, went to the bathroom, then back to bed thinking about other things but the nightmare would come back every time I went back to sleep. It was a long, tiring night.
The closer I come to the surgery date, the more disturbed I feel. I want my body pain to stop and yet the surgery I am having is going to be terribly painful. The recovery will be long. Therapy will be painful. The way I feel about it, it's going to give me as much or more pain for a long time. Jeeze, will someone stop this train I'm on?
All of our family is well. Michelle had some minor surgery last week and is recuperating nicely. Her mother is there until Tuesday.
Finally, today at church Albert and I read about the beginning of Advent and I lit the white candle of Hope. It was an honor.
Now, I'm going to go wrap some Christmas presents.
We are getting our carpets cleaned on Tuesday. Albert will be here to help move furniture. Later today we are going to clean. Webs in corners, furniture, and baseboards. The bathroom will be the worse to clean. I've really let cleaning go. Then on Wednesday I'll put up our tree.
Last night I had a nightmare four times! I dreamt that I woke up during surgery and could not tell anyone. I woke up each time, went to the bathroom, then back to bed thinking about other things but the nightmare would come back every time I went back to sleep. It was a long, tiring night.
The closer I come to the surgery date, the more disturbed I feel. I want my body pain to stop and yet the surgery I am having is going to be terribly painful. The recovery will be long. Therapy will be painful. The way I feel about it, it's going to give me as much or more pain for a long time. Jeeze, will someone stop this train I'm on?
All of our family is well. Michelle had some minor surgery last week and is recuperating nicely. Her mother is there until Tuesday.
Finally, today at church Albert and I read about the beginning of Advent and I lit the white candle of Hope. It was an honor.
Now, I'm going to go wrap some Christmas presents.
Monday, November 18, 2013
This weight problem is so frustrating
It's been one and half weeks and so far - no weight loss. I'm going to wait until next Monday and then call DrP's office. I don't know what else to do. Everything I am doing shows no results. I'm scared they will extend my surgery date and I don't want that to happen!
There once was a lady named Mary
Her doctor told her she was too heavy
So she dieted sensibly
And walked everyday
But Mary unfortunately stayed heavy.
blah
There once was a lady named Mary
Her doctor told her she was too heavy
So she dieted sensibly
And walked everyday
But Mary unfortunately stayed heavy.
blah
Friday, November 15, 2013
People in the basement
They move around sometimes in the night. I was wakened by one who came into our bedroom at 5:15 this morning. I saw a male figure go from Albert's dresser to mine. He picked up something but when I sat up, he put it down and dashed into our bathroom. I was headed that way, so I stood still and let him leave. I heard him run down the stairs and I heard a female voice call him Robert. So know I know the people downstairs are Robert and Connie. It's odd that I find comfort in knowing their names.
We built this house in 1996 and they began to appear here about ten years ago. Even now as I write, I can hear them moving around in the basement. Usually at day break I'll hear them leave and pull the door shut.
Albert has made fun of me many times because at first I was afraid of them. Now I simply believe that we must have built our home over their gravesite. I have no fear now, I'm just uncomfortable when I am startled awake and know that they have been roaming through the house.
We built this house in 1996 and they began to appear here about ten years ago. Even now as I write, I can hear them moving around in the basement. Usually at day break I'll hear them leave and pull the door shut.
Albert has made fun of me many times because at first I was afraid of them. Now I simply believe that we must have built our home over their gravesite. I have no fear now, I'm just uncomfortable when I am startled awake and know that they have been roaming through the house.
An off day
I didn't get dressed today. I actually slept most of the day, long naps in the morning and afternoon. I was losing weight but I didn't walk much the last couple of days and I'm back where I started. I swear, I could be put into a coma for three months and not lose a pound.
So I start all over tomorrow. Lots of walking because I medically need to get this extra weight off. I have some goals for certain pieces of clothing...wouldn't it be fun to get to wear my favorite clothing again? I keep telling myself that I have to lose the weight because Dr.Adams may so no surgery. I would cry. I tired of living on pain killers. Not enough meds to make the pain go away. If I take enough for the pain, I am dopey.
So, it's up to me. I have to do this for myself.
So I start all over tomorrow. Lots of walking because I medically need to get this extra weight off. I have some goals for certain pieces of clothing...wouldn't it be fun to get to wear my favorite clothing again? I keep telling myself that I have to lose the weight because Dr.Adams may so no surgery. I would cry. I tired of living on pain killers. Not enough meds to make the pain go away. If I take enough for the pain, I am dopey.
So, it's up to me. I have to do this for myself.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Nightmares
I've had some pretty disturbing dreams about this upcoming surgery. It seems I have dreamed about everything that could go wrong. I have a DNR and will be sure to take it with me to the hospital.
My therapist said we will work on those fears in late December/early January. I'm glad he said that.
I am tired this evening.
My therapist said we will work on those fears in late December/early January. I'm glad he said that.
I am tired this evening.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
November 7, 2013
Yesterday I had an MRI, Mylegram, CT, and multiple Xrays. DrP, my spine doctor scheduled surgery for Jan 14, 2014. He wants me to lose 20 pounds over the next two months. I can start tomorrow. Today I had to stay in bed until after 1pm, and now I can only sit up in my easy chair the rest of the afternoon.
He will open me from the front and get to the front of the spine where he will scrape clean two crumbled discs and insert cages. Then he will fill the cages with my own bone marrow taken from my hip. The cages will be screwed onto the spine and then he'll close the front. Then I will be moved onto my front and he will open the back. He will secure rods to the spine. Then he will remove some bone from my spine and release a nerve which is being pinched and causing my right hip and leg a lot of PAIN. Then he'll close me up. He told us that I'll be in the hospital for a week.
DrP said it was a dangerous surgery (always is when it involves the spine) but I will be glad to have it done. I am taking a lot of pain medicine right now. I am truly relieved that my right hip and leg won't hurt for the rest of my life!
Then he told me that I will eventually have to have more surgery on my back but we'll put that off as long as possible.
What a day!
He will open me from the front and get to the front of the spine where he will scrape clean two crumbled discs and insert cages. Then he will fill the cages with my own bone marrow taken from my hip. The cages will be screwed onto the spine and then he'll close the front. Then I will be moved onto my front and he will open the back. He will secure rods to the spine. Then he will remove some bone from my spine and release a nerve which is being pinched and causing my right hip and leg a lot of PAIN. Then he'll close me up. He told us that I'll be in the hospital for a week.
DrP said it was a dangerous surgery (always is when it involves the spine) but I will be glad to have it done. I am taking a lot of pain medicine right now. I am truly relieved that my right hip and leg won't hurt for the rest of my life!
Then he told me that I will eventually have to have more surgery on my back but we'll put that off as long as possible.
What a day!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Trusting a doctor
I have an appointment with my spine doctor tomorrow. He wants a new MRI to compare to my last one taken 3 years ago. The pain never seems to find relief, even though he has me on a pain med. I take the med just in case it might work well. Right now it works 'sort of'. I spent some time on the internet this evening and found there are many different treatments. I guess it really depends on what the mri shows.
Albert is going with me tomorrow. I love how he is slowing changing and supporting me better than he has in the past. For a while, during the early years of my mental illness, he was always more angry than helpful. Helpless - Albert was helpless and he was angry with himself - that's what my therapist said. When we both realized this illness was here to stay, the tension became less between us. Now we are best friends. We look forward to retirement and moving closer to our older son in order to thoroughly spoil our three Missouri grandchildren. After all, isn't that what grandparents are supposed to do?
Albert is going with me tomorrow. I love how he is slowing changing and supporting me better than he has in the past. For a while, during the early years of my mental illness, he was always more angry than helpful. Helpless - Albert was helpless and he was angry with himself - that's what my therapist said. When we both realized this illness was here to stay, the tension became less between us. Now we are best friends. We look forward to retirement and moving closer to our older son in order to thoroughly spoil our three Missouri grandchildren. After all, isn't that what grandparents are supposed to do?
Monday, November 4, 2013
pain
My back hurts. It's hurt for more than 7 years but the pain now requires Ultram which doesn't really do more than dull the pain. It's hard to explain to Albert although he did hurt his back recently and I told him that my back hurt like that 24/7. I think he understood.
I see Dr.Parker on Wednesday, just two days away. I'll have an mri first, then see him two hours later. I want the pain to stop which makes me anxious about surgery or any other options.
I see Dr.Parker on Wednesday, just two days away. I'll have an mri first, then see him two hours later. I want the pain to stop which makes me anxious about surgery or any other options.
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