Birthday #60

Tomorrow is my birthday.  It will be a long day beginning with a pdoc visit at 9:30am and then therapy at 12noon.  We're going out to eat out with some good friends.  Chinese, my favorite. 


December birthday's stink.  I'm always set aside because of Christmas and the busy store.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for our business - but also insanely jealous.  When can I come before it?


For Albert's 30, 40, and 50 birthdays I had lavish parties.  I didn't on his 60th.  It just didn't seem fair and it was a lot of trouble.  I suppose it was a subtle pay-back time.  I don't think he even cared.


He has never had a party for me.  He will send flowers and give me another lovely piece of jewelry.  But no party.


Maybe I'm being a baby about all of this.  Maybe because the last birthday party I ever had was when I was a small child.  I don't remember it so maybe it doesn't even count.


Damn, I hate December birthdays.

No more lithium

It didn't last long.  I was so physically sick that Dr.Prough took me off of it.


Current meds:  200mg Trazadone at bedtime.  Trazadone is specifically for severe depression.
                         .5 Xanax three times a day.  I think the dose is too small.


Next appointment to see Dr.Prough, November 18.  Thank God.


-20-

Lithium

DrP took me off all my antidepressants and put me on Lithium.  It's nice to not have to take a bunch of meds throughout the day, but I'm not sure about the future of me and Lithium.  Right now I take 300mg at lunch and 300mg at bedtime.


I hurt.  I don't mean a superficial hurt, I'm talking about pain that is so great that even my toes hurt.  No kisses to heal this.  I already ache all the time with fibro pain and this is not just more than that.  I'm talking about joint pain.  It's a small window to the pain of arthritis.  sigh


I am also tired.  I simply hit a wall around 2pm.  I can't stay awake even if I try.


I'm supposed to keep hydrated so I'm back on mega glasses of Crystal Light.  It's ok but what goes in must go out and I'm constantly in the bathroom. 


Good thing (DrB always tell me to find the good) so the price of Lithium is $1.50 per month.  Crazy!


Hopefully all this pain will subside in a few weeks.  Meanwhile, I am pretty miserable.

I am dying inside

I hate it!


It eats away at my inner self.


It convinces me that I am worthless.  I think, therefore I am.  Good for nothing.  Run and do this.  Run and do that.  Never mind that I might want to do something for myself.  Run, clean, tidy-up, keep up the impression that I am fine.  Get out, go to the store, take no time for myself.  do, do, do


I am dying inside


It's just a matter of time before I stop completely, unable to go or do or give anymore.


I am dying inside and no one is noticing

It Won't Go Away

Suicide.  I want to do it and this time it will work.  I'm afraid that if I am not successful, Albert will have a cow.  His punishment of silent disgust will break me.  And when that happens, I will be even more determined to make an attempt work.


I don't want to go inpatient.  I hated all the changes and 'coldness' of the staff.  In my opinion, it's not a very good atmosphere in which promotes healing.


I hate myself, my fatness, and my laziness.  I should be exercising but I don't want to.  If I do then Albert becomes my cheerleader.  I hate it when he does that.

What I really want...

I really want to die.  I have a problem that will never get resolved.  It's a shame that I feel this way.


If I talk to Albert, he will try to soothe me.  That won't get rid of the suicidal thoughts, no matter how much he tries to talk me out of it.


If I talk to DrB he will probably know what is going on.  And he'll most likely send me to Two Rivers again. 


I can't talk about this with anyone.  It's my secret and I'll go to my grave with it.


There once was a girl named Mary
She had a horrible secret to carry


I also need to keep this blog site under cover or Albert will use it against me.


sad

Catching up

Wow ... I forgot about this blog spot and I have needed to write.



DrB had to cancel today's session.  His wife had surgery and he needed to be home this week.  I hope he calls me soon and puts me on his schedule.  It really upset me when he called and said 'cancel' instead of 'reschedule'.  I feel abandoned.


I am very suicidal.  I'm not sure why.  It's very uncomfortable to feel this way.  I'm afraid to talk with Albert 'cause he'll freak out.  I hesitate to tell DrB because he could decide to send me to Two Rivers.  I hated it when I had to go inpatient the last time.  I can't remember if it was in 2012 or 2013.  I don't want to go inpatient but I can't stand feeling this way, either.


I would like to take about 4 trazadone to get some good sleep.  I wouldn't die but I could be very upsetting to Albert.