Birthday Blues

Yesterday was my mother's 92 years birthday.  Helena and I had balloons delivered.  I have a card and I am going to send it by mail.


It was a gloomy, rainy, and cool day.


I'm doing well.  Just can't make myself visit.  I'll see her in the casket and a hundred people will tell me how wonderful she was.  How in the world am I going to respond to those comments?  I'll have to fake it and agree.  ick


Who knows when that will happen?  Probably not for a long time.  So right now I am telling myself to send that future "problem" to the steel box.  It slipped in and I shut the mail slot.  It won't come out until I need to talk about it with Dr.Brady.  I hope he is still in practice then.

Anger

This evening I am angry.  I ran into a lady who's sons I played with in the summers age 10 to 13.  They were nice boys and tolerated my sister and brother.  We did a lot of bike riding.


I introduced myself and she mentioned my mother and said," she was an amazing and strong nurse.  I always liked her.


Damn it, she was not that way at all.  At home she had a live-in maid, me.  She wasn't kind or happy or sweet.  She was the devil in disguise.  She was evil and mean and yelled a lot and hit even more.


She made sure we dressed nicely to keep up HER image.  I could vomit!


I believe her visitation will be long and sickly.  oh how I dread that day!!!

just thinking

I am having a fibro flare today.  I hurt all over.  Aching and painful hands (I now have arthritis).  Aches everywhere!


I told Albert I would walk this afternoon but I'm not sure I can.  It is supposed to be near 70 which would be nice.


I am so tired.  I know this is extremely short, but I'm stopping for today.  poooooooo

Back Surgery

After several schedule changes, I had back surgery on Feb 4.  The first week I barely remember as I was kept comfortable with some great pain meds.  I had physical therapy twice a day and walked a little bit.  Every day I got stronger and did physical therapy faithfully.


I spent 10 days in the hospital and then was transported to Pioneer Skilled Nursing Center.  The nursing and entire staff were so nice.  I had physical therapy every day, 2 or 3 times a day.  I did my best to walk, walk, and walk.  I spent ten days there.


When I got home, Albert had put a small bed in the living room.  I was still restricted to only standing or laying down.  I could sit 15minutes, 4 times a day.


I'm now 6 weeks after surgery.  I have no more back pain.  In fact, I took my last pain pill more than a week ago.  Would I do it again?  Absolutely.


I still have a ton of restrictions: no bending, twisting, pushing, pulling.  I have a 5lb lifting limit (a half gallon of liquid is 5lbs) and I still get tired but I know the tiredness is due to the Fibromyalgia.  I can now sit as much as I want but Dr.Parker said don't over-do it.


Albert has been wonderful through this.  He sat with me all day when the hospital gave me valium for pain.  I had hallucinations and could not be left alone.  Albert said it was really hilarious and he wished he had taped some of it.  Knowing what I said, I'm glad he didn't!  At home he helps me dry off after a shower, he helps me put on underwear and pants and socks.  I'm mostly dependent on him since I still have all of the restrictions.


I'm doing strengthening exercises several times a day and I'm walking a mile at the community building every morning.  I'm in a brace and will probably wear it for several months.  The nerves of my right leg are coming back to life.  That is painful but I am on Gabapentin for the nerve endings.


I feel good, I'm on a good combination of antidepressants, and I enjoy my life.  To think that I waited 4 years to have surgery is something I now regret.